


When Hook Meets Saw

by kenchang



Series: Evil Dead [1]
Category: Ash vs Evil Dead (TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Partial Nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 21:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17332271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenchang/pseuds/kenchang
Summary: Foolish but hot teenagers awaken a demon with a hook for a hand. Is Ash's chainsaw arm up to the challenge?





	When Hook Meets Saw

**Author's Note:**

> Do not expect much accuracy to the source. I am too lazy to do any in depth research.

Intoxicated by lust, drugs, and alcohol, Ash and Amy stumble into the trailer, as they kiss and hurriedly undress each other. Amy's young enough to be Ash's daughter, but he doesn't care. She's hot, horny, and wants what he has. Weed. Lots of it.

Ash finally undoes Amy's bra. Her breasts aren't huge, but they're nice and firm. It's times like this when Ash really misses having two hands instead of just one.

#

The next day, Ash wakes up with a major hangover. Amy is nowhere in sight, which is normally a good thing since Ash isn't looking for a relationship, if she hadn't taken his marijuana stash with her.

Ash grumbles, "Dammit."

#

Amy and her friends, David, Charisma, and August, laugh in David's apartment as they smoke Ash's pot.

"I can't believe you stole Ashy Slashy's weed!", Charisma speaks excitedly. "He killed his friends with a chainsaw! Weren't you scared?"

"If any of that is even true, it was a long time ago," Amy answers confidently, taking a puff off her joint. "He's just a harmless, one-handed, old man now."

"Alright, enough of Ashy Slashy," David interrupts impatiently. "We said we would do the Candy-ass Man challenge tonight. So let's get to it."

"I don't know about this, man," August fearfully tells them. "What if that shit is real?"

"God, I hope it's real! Then we wouldn't have wasted our time. Relax. If Candy-ass Man actually shows up, I'm gonna shoot 'im in the head."

David emphasizes the point by flashing his revolver. It reassures August some. The young man stands up and faces the mirror.

"How does this go again?", he worriedly asks.

"You know how it goes," David answers wearily. "You face the mirror and say Candy-ass Man 666 times."

"That many?"

"Yes. So stop wasting time!"

"Oh!", Charisma adds. "And you have to do it with a candy cane up your butt hole."

"WHAT?!", August shrieks. "NO! NO! NO FUCKING WAY! NO!"

"Oh, come on, baby," the girl purrs. "We can have anal afterwards."

August stares at her eagerly. "Seriously? You'd let me do you in the ass?"

"No. I'm goin to wear a strap on dildo and do you in the ass. Of course, I'm gonna let you do me in the ass! Duh!"

The boy hesitantly agrees. "Alright. But you better lubricate that goddamn candy cane!"

"Baby, I always bring lube."

August drops his pants. Charisma generously lubricates a small candy cane and gently inserts only the tip into the boy's anus. August quickly chants in front of the mirror so that he can get the candy cane out of his asshole as soon as possible. It still takes some time. And when his friends tire of recording his ordeal on their phones and laughing at him, they go back to drinking and smoking. Eventually, August finishes.

"Guys, I did it! I said Candy-ass Man 666 times!", he excitedly informs the others. "What happens now?"

It happens so fast and sudden that it shocks and confuses him more than it hurts him. The large, metal hook rips open his jugular. As blood gushes from the wound, the last things August hears are the screams of his frightened friends.

#

Already in a sour mood, Ash is further agitated by the sudden, loud banging.

"What?!", he angrily answers the door. Then he recognizes his visitor. "You! You've got some nerve showing your unusually pretty face back here after stealing my stash."

"I didn't steal your stash!", Amy counters, her body trembling, tears in her eyes. "It was a fair trade. You got away with fucking a 17 year old."

"Whoa! I didn't know anything about that. Y-You look so mature."

"Oh, come on, Ash! I was wearing my school uniform when you met me."

"Was that what that was? I thought it was some new office attire. I can't keep up with fashion-"

"Ash! I don't care about any of that! I need your help!"

"Why the hell should I help you?"

"Because you're the only one that can! Look, a lot of the kids at my school call you Ashy Slashy, a psycho that chopped off his own arm." Ash grimaces at the painful memory. Amy continues, "But a few of the students tell a different story. They say you're some kind of a demon slayer, a hero."

Ash searches her eyes to see if she's being straight with him. She had already fooled him once after all. Then he cautiously looks around for priers. When he doesn't find any, he whispers to Amy, "You better come inside." He scans the area once more to be sure before locking the door behind his guest.

#

Amy quickly tells her host all about how she and her friends summoned Candy-ass Man, and Ash is unable to stop himself from laughing.

"What's so funny?!", she angrily yells at him.

"He had a candy cane in his ass. I just saw an image of that in my head," Ash chuckles. Then he wipes away a tear, clears his throat and says, "Sorry. I suppose that was a tad insensitive of me."

"It was a little more than a tad. So can you help me?"

"Baby, you came to the right man." Then Ash adds, "Just like you came FOR the right man last night." He laughs at his own joke, but Amy just glares at him. He clears his throat uncomfortably again and says, "Right. Down to business."

Ash immediately straps on a harness with a large holster in the back for a double barreled shotgun. Then he removes his prosthetic hand and replaces it with a chainsaw.

"Oh my God," Amy gasps. "The chainsaw arm is real!"

"You're seeing me in a brand new light, aren't you?", Ash gloats. "Not just a crazy, old man anymore, am I? You're probably even a little hot for me right now."

The schoolgirl just blushes and quietly looks away.

Ash unhooks his trailer home from his 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88, and drives with Amy to David's apartment.

#

It's pitch black save for dim streaks of moonlight seeping in through the jalousies. Ash enters the room first, and he steps into something wet.

"I don't suppose you left a faucet open," Ash tells Amy. The schoolgirl fearfully shakes her head. "Then this isn't water I just stepped into."

Amy tries the light switch. The fluorescent lamps on the ceiling flicker to life only to explode the very next second. And in that short time, she sees the horrifically mangled bodies of her friends on the blood covered floor! She shrieks and grabs on to Ash, burying her face in his chest, suddenly grateful for the darkness.

"We're too late!", she sobs.

"Not late enough," Ash replies. "Look!"

Amy raises her eyes and is startled by a shape standing on the far side of the room near the wall where the mirror is hung. It is a man, taller than Ash. Moonlight bounces off the surface of a large, sharp, metal hook where his right hand should be.

"Lemme guess," Ash begins, gently freeing himself from the frightened girl's embrace. "Candy-ass Man?"

"That's what they call me," the taller man answers in a deep voice. "And you are?"

"Ash Williams. Salesclerk, ladies' man, hero, and all around badass."

Candy-ass Man makes a short, amused chuckle. "Do you want to know how I got this way, hero?"

"Not really."

"Fine. I'll tell you." Ash furrows his brow, but Candy-ass Man continues anyway, "A long time ago, I was a commoner who made the mistake of falling in love with a noblewoman. Well, the other nobles didn't like that. So they sawed off my hand, buried me neck deep next to a fire anthill, and poured honey all over my head."

"Jesus," Amy gasps.

"Took the ants days to finally kill me."

"What happened to the bastards who did that to you?", Ash asks.

"They died," Candy-ass Man answers.

"Good. You killed them with your hook thingy, right?"

"Oh, I didn't kill them. This was hundreds of years ago. They lived long and happy lives before dying of old age."

"WHAT?! Why didn't you get them back for what they did to you?!"

"Weren't you paying attention to the story?! They sawed off my goddamn hand! What kind of crazy motherfuckers would do sick shit like that?! I don't wanna mess with those guys again."

"Hmm…good point. So why are you killing teenagers?"

"You did not just ask me that. These whiny, little shits are so sensitive, they're offended by everything! Then they anonymously bully each other online. Don't you tell me you haven't thought of killing them."

"Hmm…good point."

"Ash!", Amy scolds the hero.

"Oh, that doesn't include you, sweet cheeks," he assures her. Then he questions the man with the hook, "So what kind of voodoo hoodoo did you use to come back from the dead?"

"Oh, it wasn't me," Candy-ass Man confesses. "The noblewoman I loved brought me back by using some weird book of the dead made from human flesh."

"Oh, I know that book! It's called the Necronomicon. Pretty good read, if you're into gory horror stories. You know what that makes you? A kind of quasi-deadite. And you know what I happen to be? A DEADITE SLAYER!"

Ash revs up his chainsaw and it noisily whirs to life. He rushes forward and swings the makeshift weapon down! Candy-ass Man blocks the attack with his hook. Sparks shower both men as steel grinds against steel. The grating sound is so deafening, Amy has to cover her ears. Candy-ass Man proves the stronger as Ash finds himself slowly being pushed back, his heels skidding against the floor. The quasi-deadite grins evilly then gives Ash a head-butt! The hero instantly hears ringing and sees stars. Candy-ass Man shoves a boot into Ash's stomach, catapulting the deadite slayer right through the wooden door!

Amy finds David's revolver on the floor. With trembling hands, she picks it up, grossed out by its blood soaked grip. She screams as she empties the weapon at Candy-ass Man's chest! While the bullets hurt and stagger the monster, they do not kill him. Amy continues to pull at the trigger, and the empty gun merely clicks at her in response. Candy-ass Man casually walks towards the schoolgirl and effortlessly knocks her down with a slap across the face.

"HEY!", Ash roars, getting back on his feet. "It's a mortal sin to slap a face that pretty."

With his hook raised, Candy-ass Man lunges at the hero. Ash meets the attack with his chainsaw which rips into his enemy's arm, lopping the hook clean off!

"What have you done?!", Candy-ass Man howls, holding onto his injury as blood squirts out of it. "You made my arm even shorter! What the hell am I supposed to attach to this now, huh?! A grappling hook?! A fishing rod?!"

Ash swings his chainsaw arm again, this time to the side of the quasi-deadite's leg, tearing flesh, muscle, and ligament! Candy-ass Man falls to one knee. The hero poises his bloodied weapon at his opponent's throat.

Sweaty and breathless, the monster snarls, "Go ahead. Kill me. I'll be back soon as the next dumb kid decides to take the Candy-ass Man challenge."

"Is that so?", Ash asks. "I just sawed off your goddamn hook. I gotta be a crazy motherfucker to do sick shit like that, right? So tell me. Do you really wanna mess with me again?"

Candy-ass Man fearfully swallows hard and answers, "Good point."

The chainsaw roars. Its teeth bite into the screaming villain's neck, spraying the hero with gore! Candy-ass Man's head falls from his body. Strangely, as it impacts against the floor, the monster's corpse shatters, the pieces transforming into a million fire ants that scurry away.

Amy rushes towards Ash and wraps her slender arms around him. Ash puts an arm around her slim waist and says, "Gimme some sugar, baby."

He leans forward but Amy doesn't let him kiss her. "Seriously?", she says, frowning at him. "You're going to make out with me while we stand in a pool of my dead friends' blood?"

"A tad too soon?", the victorious hero asks as they walk away from the gruesome scene.

"It's a little more than a tad. Also, I'm still underage."

"Dammit. Say, when's your birthday?"

"Next week."

"Groovy."

END

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
